Nevermore!
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: Sasuke has been sealed into an animal form – can he escape becoming dinner? Featuring She-Hulk Sakura, know-it-all Sai, and ramen-fetish Naruto! Oh, and Sasuke as a cutely angry bird. Crack-fic.
1. The Raven

Nevermore!

**A/N:** This is kind of a parody of all those fics where Sasuke is referred to as "the raven". That said, certain parts of this fic are quite vulgar and have no redeeming social value whatsoever. It's all crack anyway. Please don't take anything seriously. There are no actual pairings, and hints of about a bajillion different possible pairings… I suppose anything could be there if you squint and look at it sideways.

**Warnings:** OOC-ness, violence, language, and sexual innuendo. There are mentions of M/F, M/M, and F/F situations, and a bunch of other stuff that is mostly Sai and Kakashi's fault.

**Chapter 1:** In the beginning, there was Sasuke. And Sasuke said, "Please let there _not_ be mysterious golden lights that do bad things to me." But alas, he was ignored.

-----

In the end, it was Sakura who completed the final push to bring Sasuke back home. Against Naruto's newfound strength, Uchiha Sasuke knew he was outmatched, but he had expected to be dragged back unconscious, and perhaps missing a few teeth and/or pints of blood.

However many times he had played and replayed the possible scenarios through his mind, he had never expected that it would be Haruno Sakura, the easily ignored annoying weak girl with the screeching voice and the delicious homemade bento lunches, who would stalk up to him while he was injured, eyes flashing like hellfire. Or that she would grab him by the ear like a naughty schoolboy and drag him back home, literally pulling him through the muddy forest floor as he kicked and screamed all the way.

Pink was such a soft, deceiving color. So pretty, and perky, and evil incarnate. Sasuke had clearly underestimated the enemy. Needless to say, his dignity, as well as his clothes, had been left in tattered shreds.

Coming back to Konoha barely able to stand was one thing, but having a roaring mob greet him and swoon over his bloodied, naked backside was another. Somehow, though he could have very easily brought himself to kill his teammates when he left, he couldn't bring himself to hate them now, even if they were probably the ones who planned his eternal torment at the hands of rabid fangirls. For some reason, being branded as a traitor just added to his "bad boy" allure.

He deserved every punishment they gave him, and he got it. What he didn't deserve was a second chance, but he got that, too.

Sometimes he resented that they didn't want him back as a permanent member of the team. He resented becoming the replacement that was only called in to join Team Seven when Kakashi was gone on a solo mission or one of the others was sick. After all, wasn't it that _Sai_ idiot who was the replacement?

Sasuke tried not to think about how Sai had actually been with the team for far longer than he had. Sai with his blank, mocking eyes like black holes, which Sasuke thought had an expression (or lack thereof) that more or less said Haha-I'm-In-Your-Team-Stealing-Your-Bitches.

Overall, except for that Sai bastard who Sasuke refused to acknowledge, life was pretty good.

Currently, dawn was breaking as Sasuke headed back to Konoha from his solo spy mission. He had been stationed around Amegakure for the better part of a month, having to listen in on a bunch of whiny Rain ninjas whine and whine for hours each day in order to check out a vague rumor that they were planning to sabotage the next Chuunin exams, which, as it turns out, they actually weren't. In a strange turn of events, it appeared that, for once in the history of the universe, Rain wasn't to blame for everything, despite their longstanding feud with Konoha.

He was so close to home. It would be good to be back.

Sasuke ran along the treetops, tired and aching from the long trek. It wasn't just his muscles, but his Sharingan as well that had been strained during the long mission. When he stopped in a clearing to refill his water supply by the small stream, he heard a suspicious rustling coming from the bushes behind him. As a skilled shinobi, he could sense the presence of the enemy and prepared for an ambush.

Continuing to fill his water canteen, Sasuke pretended to be unaware while readying his kunai. In a flash, he spun around and loosed his weapons into the vegetation to a satisfying spurt of blood less than a second later.

"Hmph," Sasuke smirked. The gurgling sounds coming from the bush meant that he'd managed to get the enemy nin in the neck, and now the poor sod was choking to death on his own blood. There would be more opponents in the trees, so there was no time to relax. While it would have been very useful to employ his Sharingan in this situation, Sasuke knew he had already overtaxed his eyes, so he drew his katana instead. In the familiar forest terrain of his homeland, these enemies had no chance against him.

Just as he was about to leap into the trees, however, a strange glow encased his lower legs. Sasuke looked down to see himself suddenly standing in an intricately patterned golden sealing circle. Seals were a Very Bad Thing; as Kyuubi could attest to, being forced to listen to Naruto constantly waxing poetic about ramen for nearly two decades was not a very pleasant experience.

Sasuke found that he couldn't move his legs at all, and worse still, he had no idea what this thing was going to do to him. The enemy in the trees, who must have been casting the seal as soon as Sasuke kneeled down by the stream, stepped out of his cover. And oh, who would have guessed? It was a Rain ninja who must have followed him back somehow. It seemed that everything was indeed Rain's fault after all.

The bastard in question chuckled in an annoyingly reedy voice that resembled Shikamaru with a stuffy nose. Sasuke duly noted that he also looked like an older, much uglier Shikamaru who may or may not have spent five years on a stretching rack, so wobbly and ungainly were his limbs.

"Well, well… It looks like I've caught myself an Uchiha. Spying on us, were you? How about I take your eyes for that, hmm?" Shikamaru's Evil Twin completed his seal with a few more hand symbols, and Sasuke immediately felt a painful prickling sensation in his chest.

"Heeheehee! This seal will trap you into your Soul Animal. Wouldn't it be ironic if the feared Uchiha brat was a cuddly little kitten? Perhaps a little doggy? Oh, I'm such a genius-- Aaah!"

Sasuke thanked whatever deities were looking after him that it was a proven fact that villains liked to gloat. With the last of his strength, he threw his katana in a perfect arc toward his preening opponent. Sasuke gave one last bloodthirsty grin as the sharp steel sliced cleanly through flesh and the enemy ninja's wobbly left leg snapped like a twig. Now the idiot would be easily captured and questioned by Konoha's patrol.

It was getting harder and harder to breathe as the golden glow encased his entire body. Panting, he barely heard the screaming as the other man tried to crawl away. Sasuke fell to the ground and shut his eyes, feeling his bones painfully reshape themselves.

------

He must have passed out from the pain and exhaustion, because when opened his eyes again, the enemy nin was nothing more than a severed leg and a bloody streak leading back into the forest. Sasuke, now much smaller, struggled to get out of the giant folds of cloth that had once fit him.

He looked down at himself and saw black feathers and…dear lord, were those webbed feet?! He shuffled toward the stream as fast as his stubby legs could carry him and peered down into the water.

He was a duck. A black duck. A mighty handsome black duck, but a duck nonetheless.

Staring in abject horror at his new appearance, Sasuke didn't notice the raven that swooped down onto his discarded clothes, picking through his supplies. Having found a magnificent Shiny Thing, it let out an ear-piercing caw of happiness.

Sasuke turned around to see the raven carrying one of his shuriken in its beak.

"Quack!" Sasuke the Duck puffed out his feathers and waddled up to the intruder, challenging the raven for the shuriken.

"Caw!" The raven dropped the weapon, only to fly up and peck Sasuke in the head. Nearly taking the duck's eye out, the raven cawed triumphantly and continued its abusive pecking. Cursing his useless bill, Sasuke was forced into a strategic retreat while the sneaky raven returned to pick up the shuriken once more.

It was at this time that Genma and Raidou, who were out on patrol, burst into the clearing. Raidou stood back, carrying the bloody mess of Shikamaru's Evil Twin over his shoulder while Genma headed over to the pile of clothes. Their sudden appearance sent the raven flying, shuriken still in its beak.

"Oi, Raidou, d'you think he was telling the truth about the seal? I mean, this is definitely Uchiha's stuff, but he's not here."

"Quack!" Sasuke called out. They ignored him.

"Dunno. We'll take this guy back and let Ibiki break him some more."

"Oh, shit! That raven!"

"Whoa. You don't think…"

"Yeah! Yeah, that raven must be the Uchiha kid. Man, he's a tough one! Being transformed into a bird and still flying back into Konoha with a shuriken in his beak!" Genma whistled around his senbon in appreciation of Sasuke's apparent resilience.

"Quack!" A grave misunderstanding had just occurred, and all Sasuke could do was quack. He was subsequently ignored.

Genma picked up Sasuke's belongings and the two jounin were off. Not quite trusting himself to fly yet, the disgruntled water fowl hopped into the stream and paddled his way toward Konoha.


	2. Team Dynamics

Chapter 2: There's an excuse – that is, a _reason_ why Kakashi can't come on this mission, and that reason is…

-----

Meanwhile in Konoha, the Hokage had received reports that Uchiha Sasuke was currently a raven flying somewhere in the vicinity of the village. She had thought the boy would have been smart enough to fly to Hokage Tower or the hospital for help, but he hadn't. Lady Tsunade worried that he might have lost his human consciousness to his animal form, but it was way too early in the morning to be thinking about these sorts of things.

Groggily, she sent the summons for Team Seven. Sasuke was their responsibility, after all. With that done, the Hokage sank into her cushy chair and pulled out the not-so-hidden jug of sake she kept underneath her desk. Taking a huge swill, she proceeded to sort the day's paperwork.

The message came to the Haruno residence just as Sakura was preparing to go out. Team Seven had just gotten back to the village yesterday, after a week long mission, and she was looking forward to having a day off. Sighing, she hurried to the Tower to wait for the rest of her team.

On the other side of town, Naruto and Sai had also left their apartments. Naruto, having wolfed down six bowls of ramen for breakfast, was still blinking blearily when he came across Sai.

"Good morning, Naruto," the artist greeted his friend.

"Mrrrrrnnnnng…" The blond trudged forward, looking as if he was about to fall asleep in the middle of the street any minute now. Sai, curious about Naruto's behavior, took out his brush and a blank scroll and started writing down his observations. After a few minutes of this, Naruto twitched, starting to feel very uncomfortable about being studied so closely.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm collecting data."

"What?"

"Well, you and Sakura have both told me not to rely so heavily on books. I've decided to conduct my own field studies in interpersonal relationships." Sai gave Naruto one of his rare genuine smiles, and sheepishly scratched his cheek. "And…it seems as if I've run out of books to read."

"You ran out of books."

"Yes. I read the entire library."

"The entire library."

"Yes." While Naruto's mental processing power was unquestionably slow, it was rare that he would be confused into near speechlessness by such a simple statement. Sai knit his brow and struggled to explain. "…Kakashi let me read all of his books as well. They were very educational. I read that Monkey Pulls the Turnip is a great way to reaffirm bonds. Would you like to try it with me?"

"Oh my god, no. It is _way_ too early in the morning for this."

Naruto was frightened. Sai frowned at this realization, and then brightened as he suddenly gained new insight. He must have stated the wrong position. "Reverse Cowgirl, then?"

"No!"

"For the less adventurous, there's always the classic sixty-nmff!"

They had entered the Tower. Naruto's hand clapped firmly over his nymphomaniac friend's mouth, his other hand grasping Sai's arm to lead him up the stairs to the Hokage's office.

"Ehehehe…" Giving the biggest, fakest grin he could, Naruto valiantly tried to ignore the strange looks the other ninjas in the mission room gave them as he passed by with Sai in tow.

Half the ninjas were thinking, 'Wow, what weirdos,' just like Naruto feared. Unbeknownst to poor Naruto, the other half were thinking, 'Wow, they actually make a cute couple… in a really messed up way'. This was by far the worse of the two options according to the remnants of Naruto's macho pride, the small sprinkling of male ego that Sakura and Tsunade hadn't yet managed to mash into a soft pulp resembling liver pâté.

They marched up to the Hokage's office, and although Naruto briefly considered dramatically kicking the door open so that he could maintain his impromptu gag on Sai, he finally decided that risking Granny's wrath by breaking her door was worse than risking Granny's wrath by having Sai slip back into his old habits and unintentionally call her an ugly old bag. At least he would get some laughs out of the latter.

Naruto let go of Sai and opened the door to see the Hokage behind her desk, and Sakura already waiting for them. As they stepped inside the room, Tsunade began her briefing.

"Knowing Kakashi, he probably won't be here for another hour, so let's get this over now. Repeat this to the lazy bastard when you see him. So, as you all know, your teammate Uchiha Sasuke was sent on a mission and is due back today." She held up a hand to defer any questions. "On his way back, he encountered enemy nins, and we believe he has been either hit by a malicious jutsu or a seal of some sort, and now he's… Well, I really don't know how else to say this. He's a bird with a…a shuriken in his beak. Flying around Konoha. Your team's mission is to catch him and bring him back here so we can fix him."

The silence was deafening. Tsunade desperately wanted to reach under the file cabinets for another shot of sake.

"Uh…Baa-chan, are you drunk?"

"As much as I wish I was, and believe me – I wish I was, I'm perfectly sober and I have the hangover to prove it. Again, Uchiha Sasuke is a bird. Reports indicate he's most likely a raven, though possibly a large crow."

"You sure you're not drunk? 'Cuz Baa-chan, I know how you like your liquor."

Tsunade gave Naruto her patented Look, the one that said, Listen-Here-Kid-I'm-The-Hokage-And-You'll-Obey-Me-Unless-You-Want-My-Immaculately-Painted-And-Very-Sharp-Nails-Ripping-Off-Your-Balls-The-Next-Time-You-Wind-Up-In-The-Hospital.

Naruto's eyes widened as his self-preservation instincts kicked in. "Right. We're on it."

The team streamed out of the office, still in shock. Sakura, being the one with the highest amount of common sense among them, took command.

"Okay, so we'll split up and meet back here after an hour. Ask if anyone's seen the raven, and if you see Kakashi-sensei, try to get him to help us. Let's move out!"

-----

As his teammates commenced their search, Sasuke leisurely floated into the village through the winding waterways. Things were so much more relaxing as a duck. With only the occasional kick of his stubby little legs, which were surprisingly nimble in the water, he could drift in whichever direction he desired.

Normally, Sasuke would be fuming. He would be seething with barely suppressed anger, dark and brooding like a sparkly teenage vampire… But this duck thing, it mellowed him out a bit.

He also had the strangest urge to munch on some tasty-looking algae, but held himself back. After all, he still had his pride, and it would be so very unbecoming for such a proud shinobi to have long strings of green gunk stuck in his bill.

Sasuke focused more attention on his surroundings as he neared some buildings on the outskirts of the village. He had planned to waddle his way to the hospital and hope that someone, preferably a medic nin, would notice that something was off with this particular duck. He had planned to glare, smolderingly, at said medic nin until he was taken in for treatment.

However, the hospital was a long way off for a little duck, so if he could spot one of his teammates, or perhaps an old acquaintance from the academy, he could do the smoldering bit at that person and hitch a free ride. That would work, too.

Steering himself toward the embankment, Sasuke did an adorable flap-hop-waddle onto land. He approached what appeared to be a quiet residential neighborhood which, being far from the main roads and the Uchiha district, he wasn't very familiar with. It didn't look like there were many people around, but he spotted a plump woman cheerfully humming while sweeping her front porch.

Making his way towards her, he noticed that she was slightly familiar. It was Mrs. Akimichi, who was, by all accounts, a very friendly woman. He could appeal to her for help.

"Quack!"

The plump woman startled at the sound. Her hands stilled in their sweeping as she shifted her gaze to Sasuke. Slowly, ever so slowly, she leaned the broom on the wall and approached him. Mrs. Akimichi never took her eyes off him as she licked her lips, hands inching under her apron, lifting the cloth to reveal a glint of steel…

It was then that Sasuke remembered that Mrs. Akimichi had been a ninja once, before she married. Konoha was a village of ninja, after all, and though many years out of practice, she still looked like she wielded a mean butcher knife.

It was then that Sasuke remembered how Choji liked to brag about his mother's world-famous roast duck.

He ran.

Clearly, he had been wrong. Being a duck… Well, to put it simply, it sucked.

-----

"Help us, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto pleaded, giving his former teacher the best But-Look-I'm-Totally-Innocent-I'm-A-Cute-Fox-Boy-You-Can't-Resist-Me look he could muster. It was a lie, of course. Innocent? Naruto? Pigs would fly. _Barbecued _pigs would fly, and Choji would be eating them out of mid-air.

Or perhaps Mrs. Akimichi would be slicing them out of the air with her skillful butcher knife throw, just as she was aiming to do with Sasuke at the moment. Naruto, of course, was unaware of his friend's plight.

Naruto scrambled up the tree where the older man was lounging and, totally ignoring any and all conventions of politeness regarding personal space, leaned so far into Kakashi's bubble that he was nearly straddling the other man, shouting the mission details into the masked face with his usual obnoxious exuberance.

Kakashi hemmed and hawed and gave him patronizing little eye-smiles throughout the explanation, the kind that meant I'm-A-Horrible-Bastard-And-You-Know-It-But-You-Can't-Do-Anything-About-It-Because-I-Outrank-You. It was the very same type of eye-smile that Tenzou got every time he treated his sempai to lunch, or dinner, or drinks, or otherwise let Kakashi walk all over him as if he were a wooden plank…

Or Kakashi's bitch, but the one time Sakura had gotten the courage to ask about the nature of their supposed "sempai and kouhai" relationship, Kakashi had merely said, "Ah, my cute little students are growing up!" and then muttered something about how they would soon come to understand "an adult's enjoyments".

Naruto knew all about "an adult's enjoyments". He eyed Kakashi's newest book while he waited for an actual response. It had an orange cover, of course, but the image on the front was rather more risqué than Icha Icha Paradise or Tactics. For one thing, the man and woman were completely in the nude doing unspeakable things to each other. Perhaps Kakashi-sensei felt that his usual soft-core porn wasn't scaring away enough people and letting him be as anti-social as he liked. Ah yes, it was Icha Icha Muffin Shop. That would explain it…

"Hmmm…no." The masked face sank back behind the book.

"B-b-bu-but!"

Kakashi lowered his porn again and pushed his face closer to Naruto as if he were going to share a secret, or perhaps do something unspeakable to his cute young teammate. "Pssst! Naruto!" he whispered, quirking an eyebrow in a sensual 'come hither' look. He gestured with a flick of an elegant finger that he wanted to whisper in Naruto's ear.

Naruto turned his head and leaned in even closer until his ear just brushed the mask, the thin fabric doing nothing to hide the gentle caressing puffs of warm air coming through from the lips on the other side of the barrier.

Then Kakashi suddenly brightened and continued in a jovial tone. "I'm a scarecrow, don't you know? I'd scare it away! Hahaha! Hahahaha! Ohohohoho~!"

The crazed jounin proceeded to laugh hysterically at his own joke while Naruto stared at the train wreck. He slid down the tree and landed on his backside with a muffled thump, then scrambled to get up and stiffly staggered away from the scene. What Naruto didn't see in his haste to get away was that Kakashi suddenly stopped laughing and returned to his book with a satisfied eye-smirk, having accomplished what he set out to do – scare the ever-loving shit out of Naruto so he could return to being anti-social.

When the mentally scarred young man finally returned to their meeting point, the others were already waiting for him. He still had the dazed and fearful expression on his face.

"Sai and I didn't find anything. I guess most people don't pay attention to what kinds of birds are flying overhead. You have any luck?" Sakura asked.

"You guys, I found Kakashi. I think he's insane."

"So that lazy bastard's not going to help us at all."

"No, Sakura-chan, I don't think you understand. Kakashi's _insane_."

She snorted. "Yeah, you just figured this out now?"

"Um, excuse me," Sai interrupted, "but when you say he's insane, do you mean he has clinical insanity, or do you mean it in a colloquial manner?" He had his scroll and brush out, ready to take more notes on normal human behavior. Sakura didn't quite have the heart to tell him that nothing in Konoha ever passed for normal human behavior.

She considered his question for a second, but there was really only one answer. "Probably both."

"Hey, Sakura-chan? What's a colloquial?"

"Shut up, Naruto."


End file.
